My fiery hatred for all things Maternity.

Perhaps i’ve written about this subject in a past entry- but now that I am going through pregnancy firsthand again and not just writing from memory everything seems so fresh in my mind. All the things I hated the first go-round have come back to haunt me.

The largest thorn in my side currently being maternity clothes.

Let me first say that usually I have NO gripes with being small. I worked damn hard to get that way after Holden, so obviously it was a goal of mine.

That being said: Being small and trying to find maternity clothing that FITS without completely raping your bank account is impossible. Literally. It is a complete lost cause.

While most people would consider me small, I am DEFINITELY not as small as some women.. soI can’t even imagine how frustrating it is for them when I know how bad it is for me. I’d want to claw manufacturers’ eyes out.
In regular clothes, i’m a medium on top (if i’m shopping hollister, sometimes I even have to go Large. Way to make a skinny girl feel fat!), and a size 4 on the bottom.
I can usually count on those sizes to work in ANY other store, some might run a little big, some a little small- but it’s normally right around the same size. No guesswork involved.

Maternity is another story. When it comes to tops, i’ve basically given up. Manufacturers of maternity clothes expect ALL women to be a size D boob, and to instantly have a huge stomach to fill in the shirts. What about us small-boobed people who don’t get huge until over half way through the pregnancy? Are we just supposed to stretch all of our regular clothes out until they get so tight they become seethrough and our bellybuttons look like doorbells through a thin piece of cloth? No thank you!
Anything I see that I think is relatively cute has way too much room in the tummy area for me to even consider picking it up right now because it would look like i’m wearing a tent. Will I grow into it? Sure. I’m not thinking about the future, though. I’m thinking about how tight my shirts are getting and how i’d just like to have something that FITS.. and nothing will do that.
I’ve had to resort to buying regular shirts in larger sizes.. and it’s not cute. All t-shirts look like scrubs on me. I’ve given up. I will not be the cute preggo you see in all the ads hanging all over the maternity section of Target and Motherhood. The clothes just don’t look like that when they’re on.

And bottoms.. my nemesis. My kryptonite. Words can not describe how much I HATE maternity bottoms.
The “full panel” spandex tummy that comes attached to all pants/capris/shorts? Who in the hell ever thought that was a good idea? As if it isn’t uncomfortable enough to be carrying around a shitload of extra weight in our stomachs, lets put a fabric PANEL that doesn’t breathe over top of the whole thing attached to the waist of every pair of maternity bottoms- ESPECIALLY shorts- so preggos can not only FEEL fat, but sweat constantly too! GENIUS!

How is that practical? Or comfortable? Or cute??? Can’t ONE moderately priced shop that sells maternity clothes just be smart and make a SMALL elastic band around the waist like a pair of sweat pants so our big fat stomachs can breathe? I have never and will never be a fan of “mom pants”, so I do NOT enjoy having my pants come up above my navel. I don’t care if there’s a huge stomach to work around, or if i’m constantly pulling pants up. I will not wear a panel over my stomach in the dead of summer when i’ll be at my biggest. It ain’t gonna happen. Preggos are not happy when overheated.
The only exception i’ve EVER made is when I can’t find anything else to fit.. and I have the option to roll the panel down.

And can we talk about pants sizes? As i’ve mentioned before, I may be small, but i’m no size 0. Not even close. So why is it maternity jeans, even when made by a store where I am a size 4 (ahem: Old navy), fall off of me regardless of what size I wear? With Holden, I literally pulled a pair of size 1 drawstring maternity jeans off of a mannequin because nothing else was my size and I still swam in them, even at full term. Size 1! That makes no sense! Shouldn’t the sizing be the same??
This time around, I found a pair of cute capris, and thought “Ok, maybe a small will work” only because I remember my experience from last time, and when I held them up to me- they were gigantic. I had to buy an EXTRA small, and even those are big. If it weren’t for that DAMN ELASTIC TUMMY PANEL, they’d fall right off, because the waist band sits about an inch off of my hips.
If I ever tried to squeeze into a regular size extra-small.. I’d either get stuck, or tear them down the ass seam. No way should I ever be able to fit into something that little..

Then again, I forgot that the people who design and create maternity-wear expect all women to be built like Lumberjack Longhaul Drivers.

For now, I can still wear my regular pants, thank God.. but I know the time will come (and it is coming soon) where i’ll be squeezing myself so tightly into my pants that they leave those WONDERFUL deep red indents in my skin from where they’ve begun to cut off circulation- and then i’ll have to give in to horrible awful, tent-like, sweat-inducing maternity-wear.
It’s going to be a long summer.

Posted on April 7, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • I know I see a lot of preggo women wearing dresses in the Target and Motherhood stores. That, and all the dresses that they are wearing look like they were perfectly tailored to their non-growing baby stomachs.

    We can just face it, gouchos and princess waisted shirts for you.

  • whatever that link is doesn’t work!

  • Okay, you are really tiny so I’m trying to imagine what a size zero woman looks like… Nothing maybe? Everyone is built different though, but I don’t think I’d ever want to be a size 0 unless it was just in my genes!

    I wore a lot of freaking t-shirts when I was pregnant. So not flattering, so I feel your pain there. I’m looking forward to days when I can try on clothes that are flattering and actually girly and don’t look like something grandma would wear!!