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Those two words

I’m not sure why this is, but I am having THE HARDEST time actually admitting out loud that I am pregnant. I can’t utter the two words.
In my mind I know it, I can see my bellybutton is pretty nonexistent already- so it’s not that i’m in denial (i’ve moved past that stage).. Honestly, I think i’m a little embarrassed to admit it.

Here I am, lugging around an 18 month old (almost), and i’m knocked up again. Sure, lots of people have kids close together in age.. I NEVER wanted to be one of those people. I like big spaces, especially since my brother beat the crap out of me when I was little and my two will only be 2 months farther apart than us.
It’s probably just my imagination that i’m getting weird looks when people hear that i’m pregnant again with a young child already, as it’s commonplace to have back to back kids (like I just said), but I can’t help but to feel like people are judging me, thinking i’m insane.
Hey, it’s not like I chose for this to happen! I don’t care what anyone says about “well you should have been protected” and “fertility windows are BS, you should have known that”- because I know PLENTY of families who avoid having children by when they ovulate.. and we went above and beyond that. Lemme tell you- I don’t even think we had sex at all in January (sad, I know, but WE WERE BUSY), i’m going off of what Thomas said.. and I thought that occurance was December. Even the nurse said today it would be impossible for the sperm to live that long- so YES, I am still at a loss for how this happened.
BAH! Back to the subject.
I’m not one to give a flying fuck what people think. You can think i’m crazy, stupid, whatever.. the fact is- you don’t know me. These random people giving me ‘weird looks’ don’t know me.

Perhaps it’s the pregnancy hormones making me paranoid.

Either way, I hate telling people i’m pregnant. I just don’t like saying it. It makes me uncomfortable.
With Holden’s pregnancy I was so proud to cart around my itty-bitty baby bump and now i’d like nothing more than to hide it.
It must have something to do with the fact that this child was not planned and for the first two weeks I wanted nothing more than for it to be a bad dream.

I’m hoping the feeling passes and soon I can be as happy to carry this baby as I was Holden. If not, I don’t really think it’s fair to the baby- and I don’t want it to be like that.
Friends tell me once I get a few months further along, i’ll be as excited as if I had been planning this baby for years.. but for now, i’m nowhere near that.

Posted on March 3, 2009 by Holdin' Holden 1 Comment
Holdin' Holden

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1 Comment

  • I do hope that this feeling passes. As unexpected as it is, I am still happy about it. But, I also feel the odd sense that it isn’t right to be saying that we are.

    I feel the same about it. I told this lady at work today, in conversation, and I almost stuttered on the words. Almost mumbling it under my breath like it was something bad. 🙁

    Hopefully, it will pass for both of us. I am trying to push it faster (MySpace and telling people, etc.) into my comfort range.