First off, I have to say that this is my 200th post! Where has the time gone?
Now, on to my rant of the day.. That’s really what this has become for the past week hasn’t it? I’m sure by the 2nd trimester i’ll be back to making shit jokes. First trimesters and the last month of pregnancy are notorious for bitching- so let’s just accept that and move on!
My nemesis right now is food. And not because it makes me sick, no, not at all. I love food. I love to eat food. I love good yummy tasty food. As i’ve mentioned before, I don’t have morning sickness. Sometimes I wish I did so I didn’t eat so damn much, but I think i’d be bitching either way so whatever.
My nemesis is food because of the extreme ridiculous bloat it gives me.
I wake up, looking un-preggo, and as soon as I eat breakfast (oatmeal and some banana slices for God’s sake, it isn’t like i’m filling up on 2 stacks of pancakes), I look about 4 months pregnant.
Don’t believe me?
Allow me to provide you with some visuals.
When you wake up like this:
And go to bed looking like this:
You know something has gone horribly awry.
(and YES I cleaned the mirror. I have no idea what that crap was)
I’ll admit, even when not preggo, I bloat.. mostly due to me mild allergy to dairy (and who the hell can stay away from dairy?? not me!), and salt.. but nowhere NEAR this extreme.
This bloat is uncomfortable. It makes your skin feel like it’s going to rip open.
Not even a nice big shit makes the bloat cease.
And you KNOW it isn’t from the baby, because the baby is what? a half an inch big? No way can it be expanding your insides to that kind of proportion so soon. They have yet to learn greed and bed-hogging-ness (or.. uterus-hogging).
You go out in public and you start wondering if the people around you are playing the “fat or pregnant?” game. It’s one of my favorites.
You assume they all just think you’re fat, because they probably do.
For me, since I lug Holden around, they most likely assume I was just a fat lazy lard ass and didn’t work off my baby weight from him. Not so!
For the first-timers, the bloat isn’t THAT bad, but it’s still bad. I think I liked the bloat, at least I looked preggo. Now i’d like to not be bloated and nasty. I certainly don’t want to hold my nasty-bloat belly like it’s a baby. Once the newbaby is kicking the ever-loving shit out of my insides, then maybe i’ll hold my stomach in public.
Rule of thumb: if you can suck it in, it ain’t a baby belly.
Leftovers are great for 2 things: Easy, quick dinners, and getting to hear your kids complain about the same meal twice in a week!
@anninabyrne He mentioned something about penis trampolines. I don't even know.
My 10 yo didn't know that Dick is short for Richard so he's spent the past 10 yrs thinking Dick's Sporting Goods is a store for penis sports
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@SassyPsychDoc "It seemed like a good idea at the time"
@SassyPsychDoc I fact-checked him myself. Someone was seriously sleeping on the job that day
Thought my 8yo was lying when he said that a male woodchuck is a he-chuck & a female is a she-chuck.Nope. If I have to know that, so do you!
Sometimes advice from our kids is EXACTLY what we need to hear. Been a rough few months & what my 8yo said hit home holdinholden.com/2017/10/winn…
10yo: What is calculus? Me: It's you + me = us Husband: get out. #oldpeoplejokes