The drama in my mouth will seriously never end. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.
Can I have a mouth transplant, please? Anyone? Preferably nice white straight clean teeth.
I woke up this morning, and begrudgingly took my ass-sickness pill. To me, the lesser of two evils is having a sore butt compared to oozing pussing infected mouth sores. At least I can’t taste poop. My mouth was stiff and sore and aching, but at least i’d be going to bitch at assholish-surgeon.
The thought of eating yogurt for breakfast literally made my insides turn (dairy and I have a tumultuous history as it is), so I decided lightly buttered toast would be a good idea. Maybe it would absorb all the evil poop demons rolling around in my stomach and i’d avoid getting sick altogether.
As soon as I put Holden on the potty, I felt the rumblin’.
I sat him down, and sat myself down. It wasn’t as angry, lucky me. Unfortunately this time around Holden did not follow suit and poop in his mini-potty. He was probably mad that I offended his sensitive baby nostrils.
Like I mentioned yesterday, being ‘done’.. does not mean actually being finished pooping. Immediately had the strong urge to go again… but being the stubborn person I am, I resisted. The only way my butt is ever going to feel better is if i STOP THE POOP. So that was my mission. And I was hoping to save it up for the surgeon’s office.
I had to literally fight with my anus the rest of the morning until my neighbor/friend Karma showed up to watch Holden and it was time to go. As I was leaving, she had given him a nutri-grain bar and he was proceeding to smear it all over the coffee table. Not my problem!
Of course, as soon as I got to the surgeon’s office I no longer had to poop, at all. Disappointing.. but I did blow up the bathroom right before my surgery.. so that made me feel a little better.
Some nurse I don’t recognize comes in and starts asking how i’m feeling. I tell her i’m crapping myself crazy. She doesn’t laugh. It’s happening to ME and even I think it’s kind of funny. I decide I do not like this nurse, and want same-name nurse back.
Mean-nurse starts poking around my mouth and YANKING ON MY STITCHES. My immediate reactions is to squeal and ask what the hell she thinks she’s doing.
“Well, I have to cut and remove the stitches honey”
WHAT?? THEY AREN’T DISSOLVING STITCHES????
She laughs. No. They are not. I fake sob, and she starts rummaging around in my mouth again.
I may be a pussy when it comes to dental work, but I think I have a decent pain tolerance- and this shit HURT. She even got a little offended that I was squirming and saying “owwwww” whenever she tried to get her long skinny fingers in my mouth. She managed to cut and remove the stitches from both teeth on the left side of my mouth. The top tooth on the right… No fucking way. She tried once and gave up.
Assholish-surgeon comes in. One mildly painful try and the stitch is out. He asks how my pain is, I tell him IT HURTS STILL. He replies:
“Well, you’re healing just fine. The pain on the right side of your mouth might be that decaying molar, ha ha ha”
say WHAT? and you didn’t tell me this before surgery?? Couldn’t he have filled it while I was under and killed 4 birds with 1 stone??
I swear, he has to shit all over everything.
So, even though I got my stupid wisdom teeth taken care of.. I now need to go to a dentist and get a stupid freaking filling. SUCKY! I take care of my teeth, I brush well, I don’t eat candy often, I don’t drink soda… Grrrr.
The only good thing he told me was that I no longer have to take the make-your-ass-sick pills. That didn’t even really matter though, seeing as how I only had one left anyways. AND he didn’t give me any more pain killers.. although now, i’m thinking all the pain was from those stupid stitches. Feeling alright right now.
On top of all of that, Holden refused to do ANYTHING in his potty today. In fact, as soon as i’d put a diaper on him after potty time- he’d shit his pants. 4 times today. Amazing.
Just remember: calories don't count today. But just in case... wear stretchy pants. pic.twitter.com/vOCiF0YpEG
Being a parent makes you thankful for some weird shit holdinholden.com/2013/11/what…
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the part where my kids whine about being hungry all day and then only eat mashed potatoes.
What you REALLY need to make Holiday (or ANY) Travel Bearable goo.gl/fb/1BdFtj
Other moms: I finished Christmas shopping for my kids in June! Me: pic.twitter.com/FT3tlWGWd2
@CJPendragon learn something new every day!
@WeberWriting Absolutely. It takes a bit of time and juggling but it is 100% doable. Just have to ignore the sanctimommies of the world