If you watch TV at all, you’ve probably seen many commercials for prescription drugs, where towards the end the announcer starts listing all kinds of insane side-effects such as (but not limited to) anal leakage, losing the ability to sit or stand for 30 minutes, vomiting blood, losing your hair, impotency, death, zombie-itis..
Hearing things like that always make me raise an eyebrow, maybe even both eyebrows depending on the severity because it just seems insane to take a medication that has the chance of giving you some kind of debilitating ailment just to take another away. I’m sure if I had RA, a little anal-leakage would seem like a blessing for relief from pain, but I don’t.
As you all know, I had surgery on my stupid wisdom teeth a week ago tomorrow. What you may not know is that my post-op treatment came with 3 medications. Pain killer (wish I had more), steroid (not sure what for) and an antibiotic (to keep me from getting all pussy and nasty). Reading side effects isn’t something I normally do- sometimes I feel like if you know what side-effects the medication MIGHT cause.. you might be more likely to experience that symptom. The power of suggestion and all that jazz. That, and after surgery all I really cared about was getting my pain pills as soon as humanly possible. Labels were the last thing on my list of things to do/read.
While at the consignment shop trying to rid myself of clothes i’ll never fit into again, I started rummaging through my purse. It’s what I do when there’s nothing else to do and i’m sick of making awkward conversation with a sales girl who would really rather have me gone because my kid is running around the store screaming. My purse held my medications, so I pulled those out and started reading the labels.
Oxycodone – do not operate heavy machinery. Duh.
Steroids- don’t take more than recommended. Super duh. Rather not look like a female body
builder thank you. I already have small boobs.. turning them into pecs would be a
nightmare for me.
Amoxicillin- Take with or without food.. Ok, easy.
This medication can interfere with the effectiveness of birth control pills..
Would suck.. if I used birth control.
May cause diahrrea during treatment. Er, not so good.. But it’s freaking
amoxicillin, everyone takes it without problems, right?
Persistent diarrhea may rarely occur weeks-months after using. Say
WHAAAATTT?? That’s just not normal!
I was reading this out loud at the time, and got a pretty decent laugh from anyone within earshot. It just seemed so stupid and insane that something as simple as an antibiotic that’s used for just about everything can cause diarrhea for MONTHS.
We can call this foreshadowing.
Cut to the next morning, and to say that my colon was angry would be the understatement of the century. It was livid, and it let me know.. all day long. You don’t even want to know the severity of how bad it got.
And the next day..
Today was the worst. I don’t think my ass has ever hurt this bad in my entire life. I imagine this is how my ass would feel after surprise buttsex with no lube.
I honestly don’t think it can handle pooping even one more time. It’s either going to fall off or explode…possibly both. I’m tempted to never eat again just so I have nothing left to shit out. It can’t be healthy to poop as much as I have today.. or for my colon to be so violently angry.
You can cringe and EWWWW all you want, but we’ve all had the ‘sick shits’, the ‘mud butt’, the ‘swamp ass’.. You feel knives in your stomach and you know that you have less than 10 seconds to get your bare ass over a hole or you’ll be crapping your pants.. And while the pooping makes your stomach feel better- it feels like liquid fire coming out of your ass. You cringe, hold on to the seat for dear life, and sob.. praying for it to end.. but every time you get a break and think you can wipe and walk away another wave hits you.
That’s how I have felt for 3 days. All because of fucking AMOXICILLIN! DAMN YOU!!!
All made worse by the fact that poor Holden was sitting on his little potty next to me while all of this is going on- wondering why mommy is making those faces because potty time is supposed to be FUN! Not to be outdone- he shit right after me.
So, now not only does my mouth hurt.. but my tummy hurts, and my ass is more sore than some cheap porn star after filming “500 dudes in my butt in under an hour!”
My post-op appointment is tomorrow. Not only will I be raising hell.. but I sort of hope I blow their bathroom UP just so they have something to remember me by.
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