Au Natural

The words “Natural Birth” alone make me want to run for the hills. It is not something I would ever in a million years want to attempt, hell, I don’t even want to think about it.
The epidural is my best friend. I don’t think that makes me a pussy, it just means I don’t want to push a huge mass of baby out of my snatch with no pain medication to help me along.

I can vividly remember being pregnant and watching all the birthing shows on TV and literally not being able to make it through an episode where a woman was having a natural birth. Blood, afterbirth, screaming, I can all deal with.. but the sheer look of excruciating pain and panic on a woman’s red vein-bulging face while trying to force a child out of her body and feeling the entire horrible thing wasn’t something I could handle watching.

Since I was induced, once my labor kicked into high-gear, my epidural didn’t exactly kick in fully until Holden was well on his way down my birth canal. The pain I felt is not something I EVER want to experience again, and i’m pretty sure the epidural was somewhat helping at that point.
Even worse would be when I had to have not one but TWO episiotomies to help Holden’s fat head pop out of me. Luckily, I didn’t feel it since I was given a local anesthetic right before my OBGYN snipped me.. the thought of that happening sans medication? NO FUCKING WAY. I may have literally passed out.

Natural birthing was never even something I considered. Not once. I’m a big fan of pain medication.
Now that i’ve given birth, the thought of medication-free labor and birth to me is even more of a totally crazy idea. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it- if you want to tear your snatch apart and shove a bowling ball out of you without help.. go for it. Just don’t invite me to the labor room. Don’t make me watch a video… Don’t recount the horrid details of how your snatch tore and you felt the entire thing like ripping off a bandaid. Ew.

Home birth, water birth, natural birth.. I’ll pass on the whole lot of them.

I’ll stick with my horrible evil epidural, thank you very much! Hell, I even hope it works BETTER next time so I don’t feel a DAMN thing until my baby is safely in my arms.

Oh god that just made me remember having the placenta tugged on via umbilical cord until it came sloshing out into a bucket. Yeah… I definitely don’t want to feel that.

Posted on December 29, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

About Holdin' Holden



  • Well the physical aspect is pretty bad. The visual is real bad as well. Granted.. the miracle of life, but the DISGUSTING miracle of life. Goop everywhere. People yelling. Maybe some poop.

    However, that little cry was worth it.

    I still couldn’t have imagined the pain that happened.. let alone the pain without drugs.

  • Pitocin equals a definite NEED of pain meds for me! Although it didn’t seem like it did crap, I was in a zone sort of and didn’t feel anything until I was in the next room that I would occupy for two days.

    Everyone has different pain tolerances and giving birth is definitely a huge pain lol. Yay for not having to do it again for several more YEARS! 😀

  • I thought i wanted to do a natural birth until last night when i had a few contractions…they hurt…and i know really being in labor hurts a lot more. now i’m thinking i might not be as tough as i would like to think i am.

  • and to be totally honest, those aren’t even close to what you’ll feel during active labor that progresses you into childbirth. I thought mine were bad, thought I could handle it and the real thing came and I was totally blindsided and hyperventilated.