Today was my step brother’s wedding. I am by NO means a ‘dress girl’- I don’t like to dress up… ever. Skirts are not my thing, dresses are even farther away from the realm of things I like to wear. It’s not just that I have pasty white glow-in-the-dark legs… I would just much rather wear jeans. Unfortunately for me, jeans are just not appropriate to wear to a wedding. And while i’d prefer to hide my legs from the world (and the sun), i’d rather die than wear a floor-length dress. Knee-length is the shortest i’ll go, and there’s no way i’ll ever fit back into my tiny pre-pregnancy dress pants, don’t own a single skirt.. so one of the three dresses I own was my only option.
It wasn’t until I actually put on my dress while getting ready to leave that I looked down and realized my knees look like i’ve given 500 blow jobs in the past week. Both completely covered in unsightly dark bruises. They’re enough to cause whispering among older women- wondering what I could have been doing to cause such unsightly knees. Although.. it could be worse- they could be rug burned. So I guess there’s ONE positive to having a house full of hardwood floors.
My reason for having pornstar worthy knees is not so interesting. It’s simple actually, and can be explained away in 4 words: “I have a toddler.”
One of Holden’s favorite games is when I crawl around on the floor and he chases me- laughing hysterically. Wood floors reak havoc on bony knees. It’s fun to let Holden run after me, but it comes with the consequence of hideous bruise infested knees.
How Holden’s knees are rarely ever bruised is beyond me. That kid heals faster than anyone i’ve ever seen- while my bruises last for weeks, and only get worse when he insists I get down on all fours and crawl around like a dumbass multiple times every day.
I think next time I have to don something that shows off my oh-so-fabulous stems.. i’ll inspect them beforehand.. and maybe slather some concealer on there. Seems like a much better option than being paranoid that people think I moonlight in movies called “Pocahotass” or “Sex in the Shitty.”
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.