Knees of a Pornstar

Today was my step brother’s wedding. I am by NO means a ‘dress girl’- I don’t like to dress up… ever. Skirts are not my thing, dresses are even farther away from the realm of things I like to wear. It’s not just that I have pasty white glow-in-the-dark legs… I would just much rather wear jeans. Unfortunately for me, jeans are just not appropriate to wear to a wedding. And while i’d prefer to hide my legs from the world (and the sun), i’d rather die than wear a floor-length dress. Knee-length is the shortest i’ll go, and there’s no way i’ll ever fit back into my tiny pre-pregnancy dress pants, don’t own a single skirt.. so one of the three dresses I own was my only option.

It wasn’t until I actually put on my dress while getting ready to leave that I looked down and realized my knees look like i’ve given 500 blow jobs in the past week. Both completely covered in unsightly dark bruises. They’re enough to cause whispering among older women- wondering what I could have been doing to cause such unsightly knees. Although.. it could be worse- they could be rug burned. So I guess there’s ONE positive to having a house full of hardwood floors.

My reason for having pornstar worthy knees is not so interesting. It’s simple actually, and can be explained away in 4 words: “I have a toddler.”
One of Holden’s favorite games is when I crawl around on the floor and he chases me- laughing hysterically. Wood floors reak havoc on bony knees. It’s fun to let Holden run after me, but it comes with the consequence of hideous bruise infested knees.

How Holden’s knees are rarely ever bruised is beyond me. That kid heals faster than anyone i’ve ever seen- while my bruises last for weeks, and only get worse when he insists I get down on all fours and crawl around like a dumbass multiple times every day.

I think next time I have to don something that shows off my oh-so-fabulous stems.. i’ll inspect them beforehand.. and maybe slather some concealer on there. Seems like a much better option than being paranoid that people think I moonlight in movies called “Pocahotass” or “Sex in the Shitty.”

Posted on November 29, 2008 by Holdin' Holden 4 Comments
Holdin' Holden

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  • No picture? LOL Your blog titles are great and you almost always give me a mental giggle(at least-I think D would wonder what I’m giggling about if I were to do more than smile and laugh in my mind lol).

    So glad I never started that game with Ally. She’d probably demand it multiple times a day too. And we have more carpet than tile. 😉

  • haha I didn’t think of taking a picture! too embarrassing! My family took pics of me.. hopefully from the waist up!

    I don’t know how the game started.. i’ll just blame Thomas 🙂

  • Totally my fault. I did it first, he liked it and therefore he wanted you to do it too. Just like sliding him around like a shuffleboard token.

    It is ture though that no matter how much he falls or crawls or anything, he rarely gets bruises on his knees. I don’t have any either, I dont know. Could have just been in the genes.

  • ha – that made me LOL Jen. And although i have never thought of it that way I totally too have Porn Star knees !!
    Bec xx