Sometimes I swear that babies are all bitten by a radioactive spider, or the womb contains some kind of toxic-waste-like property that makes them have superhuman strength.
I knew I was in trouble while I was pregnant and Holden kicked my insides so hard that I literally could not fall asleep at night.. and like the big baby I am- i’d cry and cry and wonder where he learned karate so early. I never got a freakish hand pushing through my skin like those creepy ass pregnancy pictures you see online (I swear they have to be photoshopped), but it sure felt like any moment he’d bust right through my skin and start tap dancing across the bed with a top hat and cane singing “Hello my baby hello my darlin” like in Space Balls (it was space balls, right? my memory is crap).
Much to my dismay, it was not just a case of having a weak uterus or low pain tolerance- because when Holden was born, i’d literally get bruises on my stomach from him kicking me during diaper changes. Thomas could hear him from the other room making incredibly loud thumping sounds with his heels hitting the (padded) changing table. Or we’d be woken up by him doing the same thing in his crib in the early mornings.
My brother used to compare him to the Commissioner from ‘The Shield’
I was never sure if he meant the actual character from the show, or the character he played in The Fantastic Four.. Holden bore a striking resemblance to both in looks and strength
Now that he’s much older and much bigger- he is MUCH stronger.
His idea of a good time is slapping me across the face like a pimp bitch-slapping an unruly ho. Not cute, and pretty painful.
Of course, I know he isn’t doing it to be mean- he thinks it’s funny and doesn’t know what Mommy means when she says “OUCH!”
I also don’t think he knows his own strength.. at least I hope not. It would be pretty bad if he knew just how hard he hits and still did it for shits and giggles.
As much as I tell him no, and try to show him that he should be gentle.. I just never know when he’s going to snuggle, lick my face, or give me a sharp right-hook.
The worst, by far, are his evil full-fist pinches. I don’t ever see those coming and they are PAINFUL. The other morning I woke up to him leaning over me slapping and pinching my chest, giggling hysterically. I’m dumb when i’m sleepy, so I thought it was cute and let him get away with it.. and walked around with a red chest for a few hours because of it. Do you remember the pinch called ‘the monkey bite’ from when you were younger? It’s like that, but about 5 times worse. Who knew his fat little baby fingers were so strong?
At least if Holden were like The Incredible Hulk and turned green right before he was about to go ape-shit on me, i’d have a warning and be able to duck at the stacking cup being hurled at my face. Unfortunately, I just never see those coming either. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten a black eye yet, but I have had my lip busted by him head-butting me, and a sore eyelid from him dropping the remote control on my face.
I’m just going to keep telling myself it’s a phase.. when really I know all too well that it’s only going to get worse as he approaches the age of 2.
The “Are You Ready to Have Kids?” Checklist of Doom goo.gl/fb/DTPJ1A
If anyone asks how I died, you can just go ahead and tell them "she was lured in by free pie in exchange for listening to 2nd graders screech Thanksgiving songs for 30 minutes"
I'm not saying this is the perfect #Christmas gift for all the parents in your life, but.... okay, yeah I am. That's exactly what I'm saying. Truths from the bowels of parenthood! amazon.com/Kids-Are-Turds…
@Gofashiondeals All of that and more. Good times. Gooooood times