In my ‘close’ circle of friends- I am the only one with a child. I think I may be the only one even interested in having children, hell- you might say i’m the only one who even likes children.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, though there are more down sides than up.
I can’t tell you (unless you already know what it’s like) how funny it is to watch how my friends interact with Holden. Some act like he’s a fragile piece of glass- any little fall and they jump out of their chairs freaking out like he’s going to die. It’s expected to be shocked when you haven’t been around a baby very often if ever, and they fall and conk their head on the floor to think the world is about to end- but it’s still hilarious to see the look of fear in my friends’ eyes. Hilarious and sweet at the same time. Even though they loathe children, they love my little stinky… or they say they do anyways. And the even more shocked look on their face when they realize that I really don’t even bat an eye (unless it’s a very bad fall).
A lot of my friends, I think assume that all children are disgusting blobs of filth. Sure, Holden is crusty sometimes when I just can’t get all the ridiculously stuck-on food off of his face.. but I wouldn’t call him dirty or gross (although his sweaty little baby hands attract hair and lint like nobody’s business). Holden goes walking up to them and they fear touching him at all, as though their hands will instantly get covered in baby shit or drool. The drool thing might be a semi-valid fear, but Holden keeps his stinkies pretty well contained.
I do have to warn my friends that Holden bites- and to watch your thighs or his mouth will latch on and not let go. And that he thinks it’s hilarious when you try to stop him.
The thing that I absolutely love about these friends- is that they talk to Holden like he is a human and not a freaking puppy. No baby talking, ever. I plan on writing a blog about all of my thoughts on baby talking- but I can tell you now that I absolutely HATE it.
Instead, Holden jibber jabs his weird baby language and they act like they’re having a ‘real’ conversation with him.
“Ticka ticka ticka blaabeblabababa”
“Is that so? What else?”
He eats it up. I think he’s at that age where he really wants to be an adult and do everything Mommy and Daddy do, and my friends give him exactly what he’s looking for.
On a good day, I think Holden might be able to convince my friends to at least keep an open mind about their futures containing children. On the bad days when we have company- I can totally picture them going out and buying chastity belts or even getting their shit stitched closed so there’s no chance of ever having a child outside of Immaculate Conception.
I've never had a near death experience, but I DID find 2 spiders in my house this morning, and that's pretty much the same thing.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
It's called "Mom Tax" and it applies to ALL SWEETS OBTAINED BY CHILDREN pic.twitter.com/VExGwIOdBn
Live now on Twitch! Come hang out! twitch.tv/holdinholden
How I Unwind the Kids During Summertime goo.gl/fb/bqcdoV
Kid: When do I get the tablet back? Me: Thursday aftern--- Kid: *Yelling* I'LL NEVER GET IT BACK! Me: Okay, I guess never, then. #kidlogic
Being an adult is stupid. pic.twitter.com/ghkAP7UbIt
Me watching #AmericanNinjaWarrior: HAHA weak ass grip strength! Also me: Can't open a pickle jar.