There are disgusting things we have to do as parents that we know before getting in to the whole having a child thing. Wiping poopy baby asses, getting peed and puked on, having food thrown at us.
We do them all without even thinking twice out of love.. and.. well.. because if we don’t- we’ll have to sit and listen to a screaming child until we do. It’s better just to suck it up and get it over with.
Then there are the things that blindside us as parents. Things we NEVER imagined we’d have to do. Horrible, gag-inducing nightmare worthy things.
Sucking two inch long boogers out of a screaming infants nose? Super fun. Having them squirm until you accidentally poke them and cause a nose bleed? Even better.
How about when your baby is the spit-up-guru, and while you think you’ve checked every spot to clean it off of them.. somehow you miss the folds in their fat little neck, causing the spit-up to essentially curdle. It is honestly one of the worst smells i’ve ever encountered, and turns their neck red like a freaking yeast infection. Yummy.
Bloody diaper rash. Need I say more?
As i’ve mentioned before, Holden, Thomas and I have started traveling down the path to the holy grail- a potty trained child.
I won’t lie and say that i’ve been completely dedicated to it (as in, sitting his bare ass on the mini-potty every 30 minutes), partly because he can’t walk and I think it would be easier if he could take HIMSELF to the toilet… and partly because i’m just lazy. There, I said it.
Still, i’ve been occasionally taking him to the potty to get him acclamated to the idea since he has shown NO interest in the past in using or even sitting on the thing (a.k.a, screaming when I plop him down). I don’t want to terrify him of using the bathroom.. so it seemed like the smart way to go.
Slowly, he’s begun to get used to being on the toilet, but still isn’t using it.
All the books say you’re supposed to KNOW when you’re child pisses and poops. I have a pretty good handle on when he goes #2, but either he beats me to the punch and craps himself before I can get him to the potty.. or I get him to the potty right around poopy-time and he just doesn’t go. It’s almost as if i’m scaring the shit right back into him.
Today was the second day in a row of getting poop-fright. Except today, he was literally grunting and pushing so Thomas and I KNEW he had to go when we stuck him on the potty.
As usual, he freaked out and didn’t go.
So now he had a huge mutant turd building up in his colon that he desperately needed to pass.. but since he’d waited so long, the poop got stuck.
Where am I going with this and what does it have to do with the disgusting things we have to do for our kids? Oh, you just wait. I’m getting there.
Upon getting Holden off of the toilet- we realized that one of the reasons he’d been screaming bloody murder all day was because of how constipated he’d become from not shitting when he was supposed to.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time this has happened to us (don’t remind my husband of that, I think he has nightmares).
With this realization, along with the fact that I seriously don’t think we could handle one more minute of Holden screaming regardless of what he was doing.. We decided there was only one option:
We had to make him poop.
In the past, suppositories just didn’t do the trick. The only thing that works… is literally forcing the poop out of him.
What do I mean by literally?
Finger. In. Butt.
Don’t let me fool you. I’m not the one taking these invasive measures. It’s all Thomas. I can’t stomach having my finger in my kid’s anus massaging the shit out of it. Thomas is the poop-hero of this story.
This time was much worse than usual. Usually, a little rectal stimulation does the trick.. but not this go-round. The poop ball stuck in his butt was so big from not pooping that it literally wouldn’t budge without… how do I put this.. reshaping the poop while it was stuck so Holden would be able to move his bowel without tearing his poop little anus.
Who ever thought they’d go into parenthood and have to literally pull poop out of their kid’s ass? We certainly didn’t. That’s love right there, people.
I most certainly would never do that for anyone but Holden (yeah, I know, i’m not the one who did it. I guess if I HAD to…. I might).
And for the record, no, Thomas’ poopy finger isn’t coming anywhere near me until he’s scrubbed it like an OCD sufferer.
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