Ever wondered what it’s like to have a crazy 1 year old little boy?
Your kid might be the perfect angel, or turn out like one of the Brady Bunch spawns… not in my world.
7:15am– Wake up screaming to high hell… unless i’m in a really good mood- then i’ll just wake up and yell until someone comes and gets me.
7:20am– Scream through my diaper change, for no reason at all.
7:30am– Milk sippy time! Chug until I get tired, and then chuck it half way across the room, pissing both Mommy and Daddy off.
7:35am-8:30am– Crawl all over Mommy, climb up the walls, pulls her hair, snap her bra, try to take face dives off of the bed and watch Fairly OddParents instead of taking my morning nap until Mommy decides she wants to drag her lazy ass out of bed and take me downstairs to play.
8:35am-10:10am– Mommy fell asleep on the couch so it’s time to tear the entire living room to pieces.. and then scream when I get stuck between the couches, or when a toy won’t let me play with it the way I want to, or when I get stuck head first in my toy-bin
10:10am-10:20am– Scream at the baby gate while Mommy makes my breakfast and tells me to ‘GO PLAY WITH SOMETHING!’
10:20am-10:35am– Yay Breakfast! Now I get to throw banana slices and a sippy full of milk at mommy. Even more fun when she gives me yogurt and I wipe my slimy hands all over her.
10:35am-10:37am– scream while Mommy cleans my disgusting face and hands off with a baby wipe.
10:37am-10:45am– Try to hurry and push a poop out while Mommy washes the dishes so she can’t put me on the potty.
10:45am-10:50am- Mommy sits me on the potty anyways. Wiggle, Scream, play with my pee-pee.. rinse & repeat.
10:50am-10:53am– Ugh another diaper change. Screaming, followed by peekaboo with anything I can get my hands on.
10:53am-11:00am– Mommy sticks me downstairs while she checks her dumb computer that she never lets me play with. I would scream… but instead i’ll tear the living room apart again.
11:00am-12:00pm– Mommy sticks me in the baby prison while she rolls around on a huge bouncy-ball and gets all tired. She loves it when I whine.. so I do a lot of that and throw ALL of my toys at her. She throws them back.. I throw them at her again. Fun!
12:00pm-12:05pm– Mommy tries to kick me out of the bathroom while she throws water on her face. I retalliate by tearing my little potty apart.
12:05pm-12:30pm– I get yelled at for whining and tearing the living room apart again while Mommy sits on the couch. When she tries to play with me, I crawl away.
12:30pm-12:33pm– I get stripped naked and sat on the stupid little-potty AGAIN! I don’t know why.. it’s not like i’m gonna end up peeing or pooping.
12:33pm-12:37pm– Finally get changed out of my PJs, scream the entire time just for the hell of it.
12:37pm-1:00pm– Snack time! Goldfish (my favorite) and water. I throw them all over the ground, and then scream to get them back. Why? Because I can.
1:00pm-3:00pm– Nap time, finally. Mommy gets some much-needed quiet time to watch her stupid soap-opera.
3:00pm-3:10pm– Tear the living room apart again while Mommy makes lunch.
3:10pm-3:30pm– Lunch time! I throw my food and beg for Mommy’s.. then when she gives me some I don’t eat it. She does not look amused.
3:30pm-4:30pm– Mommy gives me free reign of the living room! We play, I whine, I play.. then whine some more… maybe take a poop and pee a few times in my pants, play with things i’m not supposed to and cry when Mommy tells me “no!”
4:30pm-4:33pm– Pointless time on the little-potty again. Doesn’t she get it? I’m not gonna use it!
4:33pm-4:36pm– Diaper change. No screaming! Mommy looks happy.
4:36pm-5:00pm– snack time! bananas and graham crackers. More throwing food and wiping my hands on my nice clean shirt.
5:00pm-6:00pm– Normally Mommy would force me down for a nap.. I think she’s finally given up, more play time for me! Which naturally means a lot more whining, and a lot more dirty looks from Mommy.
6:00pm– DADDY’S HOME! DADDY DADDY DADDY DADDY! PICK ME UP! OMG SAVE ME FROM MOMMY I CAN’T STAND HER ANYMORE! DADDY DADDY DADDY!
6:00pm-6:45pm– I get to play with Daddy while Mommy cooks dinner. I end up making him mad, I have NO idea how!
6:45pm-7:20pm– Dinner! Not only do I like to throw food at dinner, I like to smear it in my hair.. put it up my nose.. put it in my lap… wipe it into my eyes…
Does not make for fun clean up, so I scream while I get a full rubdown with a cold wipe.
7:20pm-7:50pm– Play time with Mommy AND Daddy! Maybe push out a little poo-nug.. tear apart the living room for the hundreth time.
7:50pm-8:10pm– Bath time! I make Daddy mad by not holding still long enough to get washed… and by peeing in the water.
8:10pm-8:15pm– Mommy gives me a baby massage. I refrain from whining
8:15pm-8:20pm– Start whining when Mommy tries to get me dressed. She tries to quiet me with my binky.. I throw it.
8:20pm-8:30pm– Bed time sippy and snuggle with Daddy in the dark.
8:30pm-8:45pm– Daddy rocks me to sleep in the rocking chair. Sometimes I pass out, sometimes I scream just so he’ll have to rock me for longer.
8:45pm- ??? ZZZZZZZZ, stir, ZZZZZZ, whine, ZZZZZZZ, stir, whine, cry, binky, ZZZZZZZ
That made me exhausted just typing it out. Never again.
And people wonder why I have no time or energy for bullshit.
If you like to be constantly criticized over your peanut butter to jelly ratio on sandwiches, being a parent is definitely for you.
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