Kids are CREEPY- 15 Stories by Parents Who Should Sleep with One Eye Open

creepykidsblog

Kids are creepy. Don’t believe me? Then tell me why every other horror movie that comes out has a creepy ass kid that haunts your nightmares for years in it? The Omen ring a bell? How about Children of the Corn? Children of the Damned? The Ring? The Grudge? Poltergeist? The Exorcist?

If those didn’t convince you that what I say is true (or if it did and you’d just like confirmation that your kid isn’t the only one in the world who scares the pee-pee out of you from time to time)- these creepy-as-hell stories below submitted by parents should do the trick!

Sleep with one eye open!!

I was at my moms house one day with my son babysitting my brother. While I was in the kitchen starting to fix lunch with my son on my hip, I told my brother who was 2 at the time to come get his plate. He looked dead at me and said  “I can’t Bree-bree they’re holding me down.”
I was like uh what? He said “They’re holding me down right here.” and tapped his shoulder, so I slowly walked into the room. Immediately, my son started screaming at the top of his lungs, so I reached out to my brother and took his hand to pull him off the floor and he wouldn’t budge. I started screaming for my son’s dad. He came running in and it took every thing he had to pull my brother off of the floor, and as soon as I walked out of that room, the baby stopped crying.
-Bridgette Keen

My husband is working out of town. I decided to get my three year old out of his depression by putting up the Christmas tree early. I told him don’t touch the ornaments because some are glass and they will break. Later he looks me in the eye and says “mommy that Christmas bell will break and cut your neck and you die, then my daddy will come home to me!”. Yeah, he’s not sleeping in the bed with me anymore.
-Amanda W.

My niece Kaycee, who was five at the time, asked my mom for a set of blue dolphins my mom had. Mom tells her that when she dies, she will make sure Kaycee gets them. In the sweetest voice ever Kaycee tells grandma, “I can’t wait till you die!” Needless to say my mom gave them to her then!
-Shama Sparks

The creepiest thing my middle son said once was during Halloween. I was peeling grapes for a bowl full of eyeballs and in his totally best gage channeling voice he says ” don’t worry mommy…I would never peel YOUR skin off”. Left me with a total alrighty then moment. All I could say was thank you.
-Renee Stevens

My 5 year old niece had been acting absolutely terrible for weeks. Her mother (my sister) asked her why she had been SO bad. Her answer… “Thedamien Devil told me to do it while I was asleep. He is in here.” She pointed at her heart… As if we weren’t already thinking she was possessed!!!
-Terri

My 4 year old son was sitting on the couch with our dog, hugging him nicely (for once) it was sunny and beautiful outside and the sun was shining through the window onto them (it was kind of an adorable image to see). Then he says “Wilfred, I want to crush your bones”. Everyone in the room stopped and just looked at him, and he’s just sitting there, still hugging the dog, all nice and shit.
-Kristin Zelms

I am now 6 months pregnant and I have a 3 year old brother, but before I found out I was pregnant, I came home one day and my little brother pointed at my belly and said “dead baby Hancceeee!!” (Hance because he could say my name correctly).
-Candace

My 2 1/2 year old (at the time. She’s almost 5 now) looked at me and said “Mommy I’m glad I found you. I hope you don’t die in a fire like my other mommy. Her screams were really loud. I hope you don’t die like her.”
-Brittany Ray

I was watching TV after putting both kids to bed, and about an hour later I hear foot steps upstairs where their rooms are. I go up to check and Dana, the smaller one (5) is sitting outside her bedroom door looking sad. I ask her what’s wrong and she turned, very seriously and says “it told me to get out.” So I say who and she goes “the voice”. I’m very scared at this point but I go inside, I check the window to make sure it’s closed (it is), I check inside the closet (nothing there). I get on all fours and look under the bed, duh there’s nothing there! I come up… And I turn… SHE’S STANDING RIGHT ABOVE ME and says “it’s inside you now”!! Then proceeds to get in her bed, covers herself with her blanket and goes to sleep.
I never asked her if she remembered that. I’d rather not. But I’m still scared to check under her bed.
-Gaby Amalfitano

 

My 4 year old Lila, woke me up a couple of weeks ago, telling me “Mama, Marky says you have to prepare the meat for din dins now. Marky is hungry. Hungry for meat. Mama’s meat. NOW!!!!!” 
1) Lila is autistic, so she doesn’t speak fluently except for in two or three word bursts…. By this point, I was scared.
2) we are vegetarians. Lila has never had meat.
3) Lila has never mentioned any ‘Marky’ to me.
4) Lila has only ever lived with me. We have never had room mates or anyone.

I am terrified of this child!
-Ash Gibbs

 

When hurricane Irene came through in 2011 we “evacuated” (it was our first hurricane) to Durham NC. The second night there I left to go to the store and left my husband and two girls at the hotel. My husband says the power went out and Paisley (then 3) was intently watching the door and kept nodding her head. Marty asked her if there was something there. She says “yes, the lady”. What lady? What did the lady say to you? (Mind you, there is no freaking lady at the door.) “The lady says she comes with death.” He made her repeat it like five times and she was getting pissed.  Then she says “The lady says everything will be okay.” Literally three seconds later the power came back on and two minutes later I got back.My husband was so freaked out and *still* gets a little freaked when he tells it.
-Jenny Jones

 

I had my 4 year old niece staying over and around 4am she sits up bolt straight, looked me dead in the eye, and said “my favourite colour is blood” and held the stare. The next morning I not only thanked the gods for not being slaughtered, I told my sister she should call a Priest.
-Nicole

 

My 6 year old stood right next to me, staring me down with a serious almost menacing face while I was reading a book. I looked up and said, “What’s up, buddy?” He leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Your magic is false magic.” Then he backed backed out of the room slowly, giving me that same look.
-Amy Kalberg

 

Lydia, 4 years old: “I want to cut your face off with a knife and scissors so that I can keep it with me forever!” 
-Kendall Hascue (who “didn’t sleep much after that”)

 

“Mommy I’m gonna live with you until I’m 35, or you’re dead”… He’s 22 and still here.
-Gillian Mersereau

 

I don’t know about y’all, but that last one was the most terrifying to me!

Do YOU have a creepy kid story? Post it below in the comments!

 

Posted on November 24, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments

Celebrate the holidays with Busch Gardens at Christmas Town!

It’s officially the holiday season! Busch Gardens Europe (Williamsburg VA) has opened Christmas Town- their annual park-wide holiday celebration. As a Busch Gardens Blog Ambassador, I’m kind of embarrassed to admit I had never been in all 5 seasons (this is the 6t064h)!

To be honest, I just don’t like the cold, and I’m kind of a bah-humbugger. I only recently started really getting back into Christmas (of course I loved it as a kid)- but I’m still apprehensive to haul out the holly and let the yule tide roll in. I don’t even know if that makes sense. ANYWAY- when I got the invitation to preview the 6th year of Christmas Town, I was both excited (because I’d never been and I LOVE BG) and apprehensive (because BRRR and Bah Humbug!)

If I had to sum up the 6th year of Christmas Town in one sentence, it would have to go a little something like this: “Suck up your Scrooge-ness and go to Christmas Town, but DRESS WARMLY!”

The best thing about Christmas Town is that it appeals to all ages. You never EVER get too old to gaze upon millions of lights (they have 9 million, no joke), sip on hot cocoa, eat S’Mores (they have S’More stands, not even kidding!) and listen to Christmas music. But that’s not all! Busch Gardens also has a pretty sweet penguin exhibit. Yes, penguins!! Eeee! You can see them for free (and MAN are they cute!) but if you want to PET A PENGUIN (yes! Pet one!), you can purchase an Insiders Tour, I highly recommend! There are also all kinds of shows to behold, including a new one in the revamped Globe Theater called “Scrooge No More!” (sounds like my kind of show, right? We unfortunately had to miss it, so you will have to go and report back to me!)

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Once the sun went down, it was time to watch the tree lighting ceremony and then take in the lights!
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Das Festhaus in Germany looked BEAUTIFUL!

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Italy:

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Scotland
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Finally, it was time to go to the Fireside Feast with Santa; a buffet with a show (of sorts)- dine on traditional holiday fare (turkey with gravy, SO good, mashed potatoes, stuffing, the works!) while being entertained by elves, Mrs. Clause, and Santa himself reads “The Night Before Christmas”. At one point, Holden turned to me and said “Is this for real, or am I dreaming?” so yeah, you could say it was pretty darn magical! Each kid in the audience also gets a chance to go on stage and meet Santa and give him a run down of their wish lists. After dinner, Mrs. Clause and Jolly the elf (who was horrified when Parker told him that the hot dog he’d gotten looked like a wiener. Yes, THAT kind of wiener) passed out cookies. Two, because what else do you have two hands for??

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It was late after dinner, and it was time go go home for us, but there was still so much to see, sooooo I’m thinking this Bah Humbugger is going to have to go back to Christmas Town again. You can go, too- Christmas Town is open through December 31st! Find out more here: Busch Gardens Christmas Town.

Hope to see you there, and happy holidays!

Posted on November 24, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

An Introduction to Fartercise, and How Passing Gas Changed My Life

zumbaDuring my morning workout, I felt a familiar feeling wash over me. Familiar not just because I’d felt it before, but because I’d expected it- only not right at that moment. How could anyone expect something like that to happen at a time like that?

Last night, I may have had too much to drink. I don’t say that because I regret it- I don’t! I deserved it! But when you have a bit too much to drink, if you’ve had too much to drink before, you know there can be consequences. Sometimes there’s barf (I didn’t get that), sometimes there’s a raging hangover (Nope! Not me!) and sometimes, there’s what we adults like to call the “beer shits”. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t had beer- all alcohol should have a label that warns of this possibility.

WARNING: MAY CAUSE ANGRY BEER SHITS. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE PROXIMITY OF A TOILET FOR 18 HOURS AFTER CONSUMING!

A warning like that would put a serious gas cramp on the alcohol industry, so I guess I can see why they don’t. They should, though.

It was while I was mid Zumba that the gas cramp of the evil beer shits hit me. Since I thought I was a total bad ass, that wasn’t going to stop me! I’d shake my ass right through the urge to poo! No. The only thing shaking my ass did was shake loose a bunch of farts. I felt so sexy. Luckily for me, the only place I exercise (as to not embarrass myself) is at home, and the only witness present to this daily spectacle is my 5 year old. The same 5 year old who thinks it’s funny to sneak up on people, place his butt on them, and fart. The same 5 year old who thinks anything poop related is the most hilarious thing ever. The same 5 year old I GREW INSIDE OF ME AND STILL WIPE HIS ASS- and what does he do as he hears the BRRRRP BRRP BRP I shook loose?

“MOMMY!!!! Why are you FARTING?! I thought girls didn’t HAVE butts!”

Okay- first of all, I did not teach him that! Second of all- WHAT?

“Uh, kid. We have butts. Everyone has a butt.”

“So then why are you FARTING? Is the exercise you’re doing a FART EXERCISE? FARTERCISE?!”

Mortified. I do not Fartercise. But why? No, not why don’t I Fartercise (UGH!)- why is farting in front of my kid embarrassing? Again, I STILL wipe his ass- so what’s the deal? It’s natural, right? Everyone does it! Even us ladies without butts! Fart

Much like the feeling of Beer Shits creeping up on me, another familiarity came over me. It’s something I’ve randomly thought about for YEARS- the one moment, if I could, I’d go back in time and change- the moment farting became embarrassing to me. Most people would go back and say something to a loved one who has now passed, or change some detrimental decision they made in life- but mine is a fart. A single fart.

It must have been about 4th grade. I was just coming out of my tomboy phase. I lived in a small-ish town, and the class sizes at all the local schools were pretty small, as were the classrooms. Close quarters, y’all! I was at that age where I was slightly boy crazy but refused to tell anyone because boys were EW- and also because I towered over them like fucking Bigfoot. I could never like a boy shorter than me! THE HORROR! Which means I could never like any boys, because every damn one of them was a solid 2 inches shorter, which was a huge deal.

One day, we were taking a test. Everyone in this small room was absolutely silent, because if we weren’t, you would have the wrath of the evil teacher rained down on you so hard you’d wish to be sent to the damn principal. OBVIOUSLY, there were no beer shits to worry about, but I needed to fart something fierce. There was no way I was going to let this happen. Have you ever tried holding in a fart that is trying so hard to get out you think you might explode, so in your best attempt to appease it, but not make it known- you try to slowly and silently let it slip?

See, here’s the thing about those plastic school chairs- your sphincter is no match for it. ANY fart against the curvature of one of those chairs is amplified times a billion, so my tiny little squeaker came out loud, and sharp.

HERMP! 

I will never forget that sound, or how hot my face burned afterward, or the crucial mistake I made at that second. I looked up. DAMNIT, I LOOKED UP!  For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to see if anyone else noticed. In the first millisecond, all I saw were heads down, focusing on their work, and then, the worst. Eye contact. Eye contact with a BOY. Eye contact with a boy who I LIKED. One of those EW short boys. We were the only ones looking up. He knew it wasn’t him who had hermp’ed, so the only logical conclusion he must have made was that it was ME. MEEEEEE! WHY GOD, WHY?! CURSE YOU, COLON! CURSE YOU, SCHOOL CHAIR! CURSE YOU, LIFE!

I never spoke to him again. I bet he’s married with kids and cringes in horror any time one of them lets a fart squeak out. It’s all my fault!!!

That was when everything changed. I went from blasting my family out of the living room with my butt trumpet to swearing I would never EVER fart again. Not where anyone could hear it!

I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like had that fateful fart never slipped past my cheeks. Would my Fartercising this morning have been something I’d be bragging about here in this blog? Would my husband be threatening divorce due to eyeball burning butt fumes?

On second thought, maybe I should be thankful for my mortification at such a young age. No one would have married my nasty ass had I not gotten this shit under control! That room-shaking HERMP might have saved my life!

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

How Do You Know if They’re “The One”?

ringsEver since I wrote the “Dear Husband” blogs about the dark point in my marriage a few years ago, I often get asked from friends, family, and readers- “How did you know your husband was ‘The One’?”  and I always respond “Well, I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my Prince!”

Did you throw up in your mouth a little? I apologize. Bile is not an appetizing flavor. I was only kidding! I have never referred to my husband as my Prince. Ew.

Picking “The One”- loosely translates as the one you want to bet half your shit that you’ll be together forever- is not as cut and dry as having them ride in on a white horse and sweep you off your feet. Or that disgustingly sappy. I love storybook endings and happily ever afters, but there is a reason they are called “Fairy Tales”.

Those movies and television shows and books and songs will all try to make you believe that true love is the one and only thing you need.  All You Need is Love! Well DUH you need love in order to have a healthy relationship (and not one that ends up in therapy on some VH1 Reality Show)- but that is just the foundation. You’re gonna need a little more than that for the long haul. Sorry, Beatles.
Once you get the whole “love” thing nailed down and out of the way, what’s left?

By no stretch of the imagination is my marriage perfect. I don’t believe that even exists- but we’ve survived for almost 8 years now, which is far longer than most people predicted when we got together, so I know a thing or two. No really, I only know one or two things. The rest I’m still learning.
REGARDLESS! I think I can pass down some sage marital wisdom. This isn’t going to be anything like an in depth marriage book that will spell shit out for you, but, this MIGHT help you decide if you and the person you’re considering spending the rest of your life with will actually survive the first few years. Literally.

Before you walk down that aisle and repeat “‘Til’ Death Do Us Part”- consider the following. It could save you from hefty divorce fees down the road.

Does your potential future spouse annoy you SO much every day that you want to jab them in the throat with a plastic spork? Every OTHER day is completely normal, but if it’s all day every day, you may want to reconsider. This can be determined by whether or not your blood pressure rises as they chew. how early or late they brake at a stop light, or even in how they BREATHE. I’m serious! These are things you will have to deal with almost every day of your natural lives. You don’t have to love it, but you may be tempted to leave it. It’s best to sort this out beforehand.

If your bladder is about to explode, does your “one true love” dart into the bathroom before you, leaving you high and not so dry? Nothing has made me want to smother my betrothed more. Common courtesy!

Does the way they put the toilet paper roll on backwards, load the dishwasher, organize the Tupperware, or make the bed make you want to scream obscenities at an alarmingly loud volume? Hey, it might sound petty- but this is FOREVER we’re talking about. You have to deal with the Tupperware falling out of the cabinet all over you for the rest of your life- can you deal with that??

Can you stand the thought of their face on your offspring? You might think they are the most gorgeous creature on the planet, but if you can’t handle the thought of seeing their nose, inherited from their mother, on the face of your child? That’s gonna be a problem- and not one you can do a damn thing about without plastic surgery, which is frowned upon for small children.

Can you stand their family? At all? Or would you rather light your hair on fire and sit bare-assed on a bed of nails than sit in the same room with them?

If none of the above is an issue for you or your love, CONGRATULATIONS! Your marriage will be just fine! And by just fine, I mean it won’t self destruct from any of the above shit. At least for a week…. I mean…. There’s plenty of other things to consider- but when you begin picking apart everything… well, just don’t.

Come to think of it, as horrifically obnoxious as the above list is, I’m sure a marriage could survive even with ALL of these things going wrong, but not with love alone. Love might not get you to the finish line, but if you’ve got patience, it will put your tired ass on its back and carry you the rest of the way. If you have no patience? Well…then….you’re kinda screwed. Oh, stop! I’m kidding again!

Just know that no matter HOW much you love someone, even if it is more than you can put into words, they are going to annoy the shit out of you. A lot. That’s what keeps marriage interesting!

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

Why I WON’T Be Shopping Black Friday Sales This Year…. Or EVER!

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‘Tis the season! Actually.. It already was the season according to all the stores that started putting out Christmas decorations before Halloween- but now we’re actually closer to the dates of holiday cheer. Two of the radio stations here have already switched over to non-stop Christmas music, and every other radio and air wave is flooded with nothing but Black Friday ads. Deals and discounts as far as the eye can see! Come shop on Black Friday!

I hate Black Friday. You cannot convince me to shop on Black Friday. Ever.

This year, people are outraged because not only are retailers starting their deals before dinner time ON Thanksgiving, but people are actually planning on going. What about the people who have to WORK retail? They’ll miss Thanksgiving because you want to get $50 off of a flat screen? What about those chicks sitting out side of Best Buy 3 weeks early who would make more money working minimum wage than ANY discount Best Buy could ever offer? Aren’t they proving why Black Friday is awful?

Yes, I think that the spirit of Thanksgiving is being crapped on by these sales impeding on the traditional family dinner time, but some people have made traditions around Black Friday shopping. Yes, I think it’s totally ridiculous that two women would sit in the cold for WEEKS over some stupid discount- but I guess we have to chalk that up to a difference in ideas of fun (and priorities, perhaps). I agree with the outrage (though I’m too lazy to rant about it) and the disgust and all that jazz- but that is not why I hate Black Friday Thursday, and not why I refuse to go out shopping on that day.

Luckily, I don’t work retail, so my dislike can’t be based on longer hours and asshole customers. My family gets together every year, and every year we sit down, not all at one table (because there are far too many of us)- but still together- and we stuff our faces. There is turkey and stuffing and all the holiday regulars(mmmm canned cranberry sauce), and this totally ridiculous 6-cheese macaroni and cheese and a mountain of potatoes and a literal buttload of pie. There is laughing and drama and likely football on the television, though I never watch it. Sometimes, some family will huddle around a table and circle items in the magazines and flyers for the Black Friday sales and make a plan for what items they want to snag and when- but they never cut our meals short just to run out and wait in line, and last year I got an awesome pair of boots out of it- so I can’t complain about that either.

It’s the after that is the problem for me. After all the stuffing has been stuffed into faces, the cranberry inhaled, the epic buttload of pies consumed in a ravenous competition style-manner (okay, not really, but it goes quick!); after we’ve chatted, and laughed, and caught up, and gossiped- when we’re just starting to slip into that food coma but are only kept awake by thinking about how this was the last holiday before Christmas and HOLY CRAP WHERE DID THE TIME GO, and I’ve finally allowed for the binge-watching of Elf and other cheesy schmaltzy holiday flicks to begin- the last thing I would EVER want to do is pick my carb-loaded ass up off of the couch, get in my car, drive to Wal-Mart, or Best Buy, or Target, or wherever else, and shove through a crowd only to get elbowed in the mashed potato and gravy stuffed gut over a fucking Easy Bake Oven. Or a television. Or a frickin’ Nerf Gun. Or whatever stupid junk it is that I think I must have. I love shopping. I love the rush of a good deal, and the satisfaction of snagging a great discount, but no $10, $20, or $100 dollars off is worth ruining the happy full-bellied comfy TV surfing relaxing beginning of the holiday season tradition.

If you think it’s fun, if you look forward to it all year and finish your Christmas shopping in one insane night- more power to you. No sarcasm intended! As for me? I’ll be here, nice and warm on my couch, not getting elbowed in the potato gut, and drinking booze and yelling over the television without getting arrested.

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 3 Comments