What REALLY Goes On in the Mind of a Female

Thinking Smiling Woman With Questions Mark Above Head Looking Up

Since the dawn time, males have struggled to understand women. Why we are how we are. Why we act how we act. Why we think how we think (and for some douchenozzels, why we even think at all). The conclusion always seems to be that women are irrational, emotional, dramatic, CRAZY- and I just have one thing to say about that, men. If YOU were a woman, you’d be crazy, too!

From the moment of birth (or at least as far back as we can remember) women have a clusterfuck of thoughts, worries, and emotions going through their heads. This is not to say that men don’t have thoughts in their heads from early ages, but look, if we’re talking about personal worry about the things that are happening to us, I just don’t think there’s any competition between the genders.

I’m too young to get boobs!
Will I ever get boobs?
Will my boobs be as big as my moms?
Why does everyone have boobs but me?
Why are my boobs bigger than everyone else’s?
Why does everyone focus so much on boobs?
Is what I’m wearing in style? Is it cute? Does it look good?
Am I bloated?
OH GOD IS THIS A PERIOD??
I don’t want a period!
Oh for the love of fuck are these cramps?
I’M DYING! MY UTERUS IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
Please, if you let me NOT bleed through my pants in school, I will not complain about cramps for the rest of my life!
I’m lying! I hate cramps! I’m dying! My boobs hurt! My vagina hurts!
Oh yay, I got asked on a date!
Oh NO, I didn’t get asked to the dance!
WHY did my period start before my date to the dance?!
I’M DYING! MY UTERUS IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
Why doesn’t my body look like hers?
Why does being a woman have to suck so much?
If this is what childbirth is like, I never want children!
I want to be smart!
I want to be pretty!
I want to be popular!
I want to be fashionable!
I want to not care about ANY of that stupid shit!

And that’s all before maturity, y’all. The real crazy hasn’t even begun. “Becoming a woman”- what does that even mean, really? It’s not like one day we turn 18 and suddenly sprout a vagina, and it certainly isn’t the day we start our first period, so if you ask me, “Becoming a Woman” means you evolve to the next level of female craziness. REAL LIFE worries, as if the ones that have been running through our heads for nearly two decades aren’t enough.

I want a career!
I want a family!
I want a career AND a family!
I don’t want to get married too young, I want to live my life and be free
My uterus is shedding and I will NOT hesitate to stab you!
What if I wait too long to have children and aren’t able to?
Am I even able to now?
Do I even WANT kids?
I don’t want them
I DO want them!
Do I wait or have them now?
What about the career? My life?
Ugh I don’t feel so great today… shit, is my period late? Am I pregnant??
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PERIOD? YOU STUPID FUCKING UTERUS!
I never thought I’d be so happy to be gushing blood from my vagina. Yay for a crime scene in my underwear!
Now I need new underwear. Why is underwear so stupid expensive??
SHIT. I’m pregnant.
YAY! I’m pregnant!
YES! I’m pregnant!
YES! I’m not pregnant!

And then, if we so choose (and sometimes even if we don’t)- a baby happens. Welcome to Crazy Town, population: Moms.
What am I going to do?
I’m happy about this… or am I?
Am I ready for this? I’m just not sure
Christ on a bicycle I’m as big as a house, but at least I don’t have a period!
Is my vagina going to be torn in two? Am I ever going to get back to pre-baby weight? Can I actually properly care for a child?
What if I poop on the table?
This whole baby thing was a terrible idea!
Oh, but it’s so cute.
Or is it?
Is it only cute because I’m its mom and it came from my vag and love is blind?
Oh, but the love. I love.
No… it’s crying. Why does it cry so much? What am I doing wrong?
AM I A TERRIBLE MOTHER?
Why are my periods WORSE now?
What if my vagina looks like a beat up old roast beef sandwich now?
Ugh. This body. It’s not the same. Am I the only one who notices?
I JUST WANT TO FIT INTO MY JEANS, DAMNIT!!
Wait… Shit. When did my kid get so old?
Why is it so damn hard to make mom friends? Why does this feel like high school?
Is that a… pimple?? A PIMPLE? If I’m going to get a pimple like a damn teenager, I shouldn’t have wrinkles!
Do I want more kids?
Can I handle more?
I don’t know… not right now..
But… I’m not getting any younger
Shit. Where is my period?
Am I pregnant??
I should have had my damn uterus removed.
But then… I couldn’t have more…
NO! I DON”T WANT MORE!
Maybe…

As a man, perhaps you’re thinking- some of this shit is so superficial. Don’t you women ever worry about any REAL life stressors? The answer is yes. We worry about “real life stressors” AND all of this shit. All the time. Don’t try to understand it. Just try to relax and accept the crazy.

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 0 Comment

7 LIES People Tell About Parenthood

lies

Encouragement, wisdom, warnings- these three things are spoon fed to those of us who choose to put our parts together and whip up a more annoying combined version of ourselves in the form of a baby. The encouragement is to keep us going on the harder days. The wisdom is to keep us from beating ourselves up too much, or trying to figure out things on our own when the time could be saved by just passing down a few tips here and there. The warnings- well, sometimes those are to scare us, and sometimes they are to save us. Parenthood isn’t easy, and kids aren’t always awesome… but neither is advice. Or encouragement. Or wisdom. Or warnings. Sometimes, what gets passed around is flat out BULLSHIT, and I’m here to expose the truth. Don’t buy into this crap. It will leave you confused and wondering why your kid hates you, and you suck at parenting. They don’t (that comes when they’re teenagers!) and you don’t. Well, maybe a little- but we all do. SEE, isn’t the truth lovely? Here’s some more:

 

1. “It gets better as they get older!”
Oh no the hell it doesn’t! Kids are like yogurt. The older they get, the more rotten they are. Beware the “holy fuck fours”- they put the not-so-terrible twos to shame! I’ve gone one in the Shitheaded Sevens, and the pass of a-holiness looks like it continues FOREVER from here!

2. “Just give it some time and you’ll forget about the pain of childbirth and want to do it all over again!”
One moment, please….
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
Look, you NEVER forget. Ever. Neither does your leaking nether region. You might temporarily block it out, a condition I call “Momnesia”, but it WILL come back to haunt you. Usually when you’re about 8 months pregnant and suddenly remember having a baby ripped from your lower half.

 

3. “The best thing about babies is that ‘New Baby Smell'”
No. The best thing about babies is when they stop looking like potatoes and sleep more than 2 consecutive hours in a row. New babies smell like head-cheese and spoiled milk. And poop.

4. “Enjoy it now. You’ll miss that when they get older!”
My kids sleep through the night and don’t (usually) shit their pants. I MISS NOTHING!!!

 

5. “Don’t worry about it; It will come naturally!”
This, for me, is one of the worst. Not EVERYTHING comes naturally. There’s nothing naturally about a baby upchucking into your eyeball, or being kept up for 7 hours of screaming every night, or trying to change a diaper when the kid starts shitting again. This implies that if it DOESN’T come naturally, you’re doing something very wrong, and that’s just not the case.
6. “Have siblings close in age. They’ll be the BEST of friends!”
Dude. My kids are two years and two weeks apart, and they hate each other. My brother and myself are under 2 years apart. I hated that kid until we were well into our twenties. We TORTURED my mom for nearly two decades. Mine are TORTURING me! You shut your whore mouth with that nonsense! What a horrible lie!

 

7. Parenthood is great!
No way. It’s a trap. IT’S A TRAP!!!!

 

Now, I’m not saying that if someone spews one of these nonsensical pseudo-wisdom nuggets at you, that you should laugh hysterically and punch them in the face, but… Okay, yes I am. Minus the punch part. I can’t pay your bail!

Posted on October 27, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

Calm Your Tits. Kids and the Future are NOT Doomed.

There are websites, television shows, memes, and even ads based on it, so it has to be real, right? The decline of intelligent humanity and the increase of profound stupidity. Text speak. Abreves. The forgotten difference between “There”, “Their” and “They’re”. Do we have ourselves to blame? Didn’t our generation start LOLcats? Weren’t we smarter before the internet took over being smart for us? Back in the Good Ol’ Days, when phones were dumb and people were smart? Are we all DOOMED? Is the future generation going to end up in the destruction of the world due to DERP memes and Grumpy Cat? IS THIS IT FOR US?!calm

Calm your tits, people! Just calm those tits right down!

Text speak makes me want to spork the taint of one thousand men, and the endless streams of internet fails and lists of the “people so stupid you can’t believe they exist” are horrifying… hilarious, but horrifying (Yes, the movie Titanic is based on a TRUE STORY. No, you can’t get pregnant from simply WATCHING Magic Mike)- but there’s no reason to wish the Mayans really had wiped us out back in 2012.

When you think that the kids of today are totally screwed and we’re all going to eventually get flushed down the crapper due to their inability to type out two syllable words, consider this- Didn’t our grandparents think the same thing about us?

Before there were LOLcats and internet memes rotting the brains of the youth of today, there was MTV and violent video games, and before that it was sublime and Nirvana and all the kids were “smoking that reefer” and ruining their futures, and before that, there was 80’s metal and headbanging and beer. Lots of beer and breasts and drugs- and our civilization was for SURE doomed, because no respectable man wears eyeliner, and npo respectable woman wears her underwear on the outside of her clothes, and even before that it was disco and everyone was doing blow in the bathroom and we were SCREWED! But… we weren’t. We aren’t.

As I type this, my 7 year old is at a city wide engineering contest, which he qualified for by creating a working zip line; one of only 4 students chosen at his entire school to compete. The kid is SMART. Far smarter than I usually give him credit for, being he is constantly doing the DUMBEST shit ever. That’s because kids ARE dumb. Seriously dumb. Crazy, infuriatingly dumb. aren’t we ALL a little dumb? At over 30 years old, I still can’t math and use my fingers to count. I can spell, but there’s plenty I’m just a total idiot about- but somehow I manage, because there’s things I’m NOT dumb about. We all do. Kids being dumb? It’s their thing and most of them will grow out of it once they realize that writing “UR” instead of “YOU’RE” on a job application is not getting them anywhere, but for as dumb as they are- but they’re not stupid.
And the obnoxious tweens and text-speaking teens? It’s their last hurrah of childhood dumbness before having to join the world of bills, responsibility, REAL stress, and bullshit. It’s okay to correctly blatant stupidity, but let the kids be dumb every now and then.  Just a little!

Posted on October 24, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

Separation Anxiety- Mommy Needs Some SPACE!

Sometimes, when I leave the room, the kids act as if it’s the LAST time they will ever see me. They scream, they hold one hand in the air reaching toward me , and the other across their heart, as if to say, “No! Please, don’t go! I promise, I’ll be good! I’m sorry for what I did/said! I can’t go on without you!”

I swear, it’s like a heart wrenching goodbye scene right out of a Hollywood blockbuster.  And frankly, I’m done.  Let me eat, take a shower, pee, drink my coffee for Pete’s sake!! PLEASE, I am on my knees, begging you to STOP crying!  MOMMY NEEDS TO BREATHE!

It’s times like these (see below) when I ask myself, “is it worth it?”


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1.Dude, I need to pee,  I don’t have the luxury of diapers like you do,
just give me a minute, would ya?

But NOOOOO, as soon as  I think I’m a safe distance away (not far
enough to not hear their sobbing voices), I see those little fingers
reaching under the bathroom door, as if to say, “I’ll never let go,
Jack, err, uhh, Mom!”
Here’s the thing, Rose lets go in Titanic, and so will I,  get over it.

I fear for the day that they learn how to open doors.


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2. How about when I need coffee… and I NEED coffee. As soon as I exit their line of sight, they wail  like Tom Hanks in Cast Away when he loses Wilson, “Mom, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry Wilson-Mom!”
Look kid, you need me to need this cup of goodness. I promise you that, and what are you so sorry for?  I better make it a double.

Is it nap time yet?!


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3. My favorite is when I leave the room to get something FOR them.

Lunch time, OK, I’ll go get some food going. This is when the hangry (when you are so hungry that you become angry with everyone and everything around you) screams come out.  The second I leave their area, they start shouting, at me like I’m Anty in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, “Go on! I don’t need you! Go on! Get out of here!”  This shout leaves me confused, I want to comfort them, and yet they terrify me.  So, so much.

Sometimes, I just want to toss food at them and yell, “EAT YOUR FOOD, TINA!”
(And truth be told: I’ve done it, more than once.)


4. And the moment when you stand up after playing peek-a-boo who knows HOW long on the hard floor, and they break down into sobs equivalent to Grace saying goodbye to Harry in Armageddon, “No, Mommy, no, please, no, don’t go!”
Small-Child, Mommy can’t sit down here on the hard floor a minute longer, remember when she BROKE HER BUTT when YOU were born? Yeah, I’m not letting up on that one just yet, I’m still quite bitter.  PLUS, I’m 2 inches away, chill out!

Broken. Buttbone.  ‘Nuff said.

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5. The sneak attack always gets me.
Every. Single. Time.

This is when you leave them, and not only do they scream, but they FOLLOW you, like the little zombie/monster that they are. All the while, screaming, “BRAINS! Or bottle, that’s cool too, but BRAINS!”  And they they claw at you until you give in.

I have only been depantsed  by a zombie-baby twice this year, which is progress, and have possibly learned my lesson.

(Don’t leave a screaming zombie-baby that is fully mobile. They WILL crawl after you and yank on your pants until your pants come down exposing you to your unsuspecting neighbor walking his dog  until pick her up and wipe the snot and tears away— like I said, only twice this year. Not bad, right?)

What did I take away from this? I learned to wear sweatpants with ties… and actually TIE them.
And to feed them brains.

I wish I could reassure them that I will return in a way that they would understand, and actually believe.  But until that day, I will do my best to carry on. Perhaps, I should dust off my iPod and plug myself into some sweet tunes, and pretend that they are simply singing along with the 80’s hairband ballad or movie soundtrack that I’ll be jammin’ to, why not?

And to answer my question… YES, totally worth it.  Exhausting, yet worth it.

This post was written by the lovely Nicole of Perfectly Askew. Go check out her blog before her kids drive her so insane all she can do is drool on the keyboard (haven’t we all been there?)
Posted on October 22, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments

Moms of the World- STOP Getting Offended. Just stop!

“If you don’t care what people think about your parenting, why are you talking about it so much?”

This is a common question I get, and although I find it frustrating, I guess I understand it.

I have a zero tolerance for bullying and negative judgment, not only in my “real” life, but here on this blog, and on all of my social media accounts. I will not tolerate it. I won’t argue with it- because I don’t need to justify myself to ANYONE and I’m at the point in my life where what other people think about how I’m raising my kids and living my life is their problem and not mine. It’s inconsequential to me. Still, because I put my thoughts out there in public forum, I get thoughts back- and they aren’t always pretty, and every now and then, I speak out, and when I speak out- someone always questions why.

Why not just let it go?

I’ll be blunt- telling someone not to talk about another person’s bully-ish behavior toward them is classic bully behavior. Bullies want you to be quiet, they want you to never tell anyone because they don’t want to be told they are wrong. They just want to continue asshole-ing around all over the place with no consequence. This is not okay. As long as I have this open forum, I will continue to use it not only to bring laughs, but to let it be known that this assholish bully-type behavior is not acceptable.

But that’s not the point of this blog. The point of this blog was inspired by the comment in question that prompted the question in the first line of this blog.

It’s not like I thought we were all going to burn our bras, let our hoo-ha’s grow out all caveman style and get along in perfect harmony, but I really thought Moms as a whole were moving toward a new level of understanding when it comes to acceptance of other moms regardless of parenting styles. It’s a something that as humans, we all naturally crave- harmony. The comment so graciously left on a blog post of mine from a fellow mom was angry, and it was hateful, and it was full of fire. Why? Because she didn’t agree with what I wrote because it doesn’t match her exact view of life and motherhood, or at least, what she personally took away from that particular blog didn’t. Oh, and she thinks that blogs about poop “aren’t funny.”

I didn’t feel insulted, enraged, sad, or even the slightest bit offended, but it did bum me out just a little. Why? Luckily for me, it’s been a long while since I’ve received ugly hate mail, so this one caught me a bit off guard. Will the Mom Wars NEVER end?! I don’t understand them!

Serious questions for all Moms: Why does it matter what other moms are doing? What they find funny? What offends them? How does it have ANYTHING to do with you enough for you to comment and try to make another mom feel like shit? What purpose does it serve?

There is no logic to it. I know people love to say that all women run off of emotions, but let’s use our heads here. NONE of that shit matters! What matters is your OWN life. Your OWN kids lives.

“I would NEVER breastfeed in public”

“I would NEVER bottlefeed my baby!”

“I would NEVER be a stay at home mom!”

“I would NEVER be a working mom!”

“Well, I think she’s a terrible parent because said such and such a thing online and I don’t agree”

“She clearly needs her kids taken away because she doesn’t spam photos of them on Facebook all day long!”

OH. MY. SHIT. Who the hell cares??

Nothing another Mom posts online about her own life (note: NOT involving you or yours) affects you. Nothing she says about how she chooses to handle certain situations with her family affects you. Let me repeat that- if you are a stay at home mom, and a working mom says that being a working mom is really f’ing hard- that is not a jab at you or how hard you work at home. If you are a working mom, the stay at home mom venting that being a stay at home mom is like having a job because it’s hard work- that is NOT a jab at you, or a criticism of how hard you work on a daily basis. It just isn’t. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Someone else’s complaint about their OWN life has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I swear, I’m not trying to be a harsh bitch or come down on the other Moms out there, but this shit is ridiculous, and it’s about time someone said SOMETHING. Someone HAS to, apparently multiple times.

All the time you’re wasting using to judge others, leave long ugly comments, make snide remarks, gossip, obsessing over, is ALL time taken away from your own kids. Think about that for a moment.

I’m not saying that if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. All I ask is that before you make a negative comment on someone else’s choices, ask what good it’s going to do, and if there is no possibility of anything positive being taken away from your comment, just don’t. There’s no need for it,

Ladies- our grandmothers, great grandmothers, aunts, and even our own mothers fought for us to be treated as equals. Fought for the world to accept that we are equal, not just on a standard human level, but in intelligence, integrity. Decades spent proving we’re just as strong and enduring and worthy adversaries in every single aspect, and yet, so many of us sit around talking shit and belittling each others’ worth as a person, a woman, and especially as a mother. It’s absolutely unacceptable. We’re better than that.

Don’t shit on our ancestors. Show some respect for your fellow mom, even if you don’t agree with her. It might not be equal rights, but a high level of mutual respect is a pretty amazing thing to leave for the future women of the world.

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Holdin' Holden 2 Comments